diary of silly thoughts that dont matter

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ur weird for reading this lol

It’s funny like when I first tried to personally approach gender and sexuality shit in 2016 or whenever.. it’s weird like it felt easier to come out then. Ppl weren’t randomly radicalized, like ppl in niches online were but not the general public. For me name and pronouns were very nice and fun to play with and have the experience of feeling like things matched for once. But since we can’t have nice things due to people being too sensitive, it’s a bajillion times easier now to force yourself not to care abt name/pronouns. Like to ease the dysphoria u can degender them internally, and that’s obvious and we all likely try to do that at first for those to whom it would apply. But u always understand ppl outside you will read things as gendered. And post changing them that knowing can maybe get erased. But also if ur not passing it just transforms, and ur at risk of triggering ppl, putting yourself as someone who “thought abt gender too much” and however that gets interpreted by those around you who knows. Like I used to be indifferent to coming out I guess, and still I’ll talk about it, but I’m not offering up that information now. I really never was except in spaces that were strictly my own or where that was applicable. But to people who’ve made it clear they’ve let themselves fall into radical misinformation holes, why would I want to be honest with them? Idc about confusing them or explaining myself anymore. Which what I’m describing is like in on one hand eliminating danger, but also acknowledging more because if ur confusing ppl will put their labels on and u may just end up getting labeled something ur not. Like, not passing and being gender bent but maybe not trying that specific day, but critical people think you’re trying to be a binary trans women because that non passing element is the pretend image they have in their head about how trans women are, for example. But do I rly need to be like, I’m nonbinary I’m not trying to pass or be a thing, to skeptical people. I’m just being myself. But that’s dangerous for all of us, due to random people getting radicalized by the likes of libs of tiktok or matt Walsh etc etc. Like bottom line, and honestly better scenario, they just come to the conclusion I’m what they’d think of as a f*g or f*ggy. And that’s absolutely fine because it’s true lmao. But I think some ppl go into trying to understand me assuming that’s not the case (maybe?) then they get confused. But it’s always hard to see yourself from the outside. I’m pretty sure I’m heavily giving somewhat typical bisexual which is accurate. But thinking back to these dynamics and what’s socially allowed I’m pretty sure 2016-2017 was different. Like less ppl were out, but being yourself publicly wasn’t as politicized. Asking someone to use singular they pronouns was somewhat weird but ppl were like oh that’s an interesting idea. Now everyone knows abt it and I’m guessing most ppl think it’s stupid and still most ppl don’t know how to linguistically utilize it, similar as before lol. Like to my limited view it seems like things just got worse, maybe not with younger ppl but. It’s like the Trump mania that built in his first presidency was then mega amplified by Biden incredibly milktoast, and then with the election it’s now been normalized, and a large piece of that Trump mania identity is being over the top skeptical of anything transgender, including the lifestyle or people involved. They don’t advocate for doctors having better training (in a way that acknowledges some people need transition to live better lives, and that trans people were once trans kids and some can be set up for success early on), or they don’t advocate for nonbinaryness as a panacea to the binary and passing obsession we have in our culture, especially around amab people and femininity. They don’t actually care about the solutions, they think queer people are gross and wish they weren’t queer. And if you’re queer it’s really hard to try to not be, but they typically won’t even concede that. What’s this logic built on? Societal programming, “family values”, but ultimately bible verses, that when scrutinized do not hold up at all in context. It’s all flimsy and built on not willing to acknowledge some people aren’t straight. Even if you think something or the other is a trend, you surely understand it’s not ALL a trend. Also acknowledge that being queer isn’t this widely accepted thing like ppl coming out and being out get shit and continue to get shit, so trend, idk, you’re likely just seeing more people being honest and coming out, and that’s your outside interpretation.. the “problem” of sports and shit is so dumb too cuz it hangs everything up and gives skeptical and hateful ppl something to jump back to. Sports are inherently unfair. And p sure no leagues of anything we’re just letting freshly transitioned no hormones trans women in. And the amount of athletes were talking about here.. bro fuck sports, I hate sports. Yes I skateboard, if I ever “compete” catch me goofing off and not trying to win, fuck sports. It’s so dumb. If it wasn’t for sports and changing rooms I think we’d be in a way better spot in terms of gender modification. But should trans ppl be allowed to participate in sports? Do trans ppl work out and need to change clothes? Yaaaaa like duh. But we have to like, dismiss ourselves from the privilege right. We have to get UTIs if we’re not passing right and we’ll look strange in the men’s room depending on outfit right, like just hold it cuz we don’t deserve to use the bathroom type beat. Cuz we’re too weird and will possibly make some random person loose their damn mind then go viral in front of a million hateful ppl online. Literally we all just handled this stuff in the 90s I feel? I don’t know from firsthand experience I was a child but pretty sure we got along and figured this stuff out like adults? There can’t be THAT many more queer ppl, it’s like queer ppl got slightly bigger and the opponents to those people being queer and allowing them to participate in society got massive. Because it was a convenient political issue, for the conservatives party gaining power. And as I’ve said before on this page, people don’t realize they’ve been had and that their ideas have very little to stand on besides disgust sensitivity, which inherently is fairly illogical especially when it comes to policing identity and appearance. So yeah it got bad and it keeps getting worse! And ppl involved in the antagonism seem to be very apprehensive to admit it or care. As I’ve said below it’s like they’re probably relieved. And Trump vows to put a stop to the “lunacy”. Thank goodness, I feel so safe, and so confident that queer Americans won’t get shoved back into shitty situations they may have just escaped from when society got a tiny bit more progressive on the subject. Likeee maybe there will be an “are we the baddies?” moment but I doubt it. A lot of ppl more right seem unwilling to learn or care and eager to stop thinking about it. And maybe they should??? Cuz them thinking about it too much based off a majority twisted faulty propaganda information is NOT FUN for the rest of us lol.

idk mid march
Christianity was originally all about empowering the less fortunate and outcast. Now the conservative movement is all about making the unempowered and outcast feel like shit and criminals for doing nothing wrong, because they’re seen as convenient objects for the party gaining power that can rarely fight back. How Christians don’t see through this is disappointing and makes me even further want to die. But any snoops who found this page know I won’t do anything because that’s literally what they want and hope for. They would rejoice in someone not being themself, or offing themself because a dissonant life is too painful. “Good the weird one finally shut up and went away, now my kids will be safe.” Yeah that’s totally what Jesus would have been like, absolutely. I want to think Christians dont think like that. But time and time again I’m proven wrong. Don’t judge a book by its cover until the book tells you what it actually believes, I agree. Bottom line, on the whole, they do not want people to be queer. The basic biblical reasoning is incredibly flimsy, it’s all deep hate that’s been there historically and that they continue to propagate. Would Jesus not have preached against this if he were here today? One of those plot twists, “oh you think I’d just agree with these pious leaders? Actually here’s the reality, it’s not like what they’re saying at all.” But no, I’m fairly certain that if trans women were rounded up and imprisoned or at worst tortured and killed, many Christians here would be fine with looking the other way. That’s extreme but it seems to be true, the rhetoric they parrot and hate they preach. Their mobilization to “stand up and fight”. Their radicalization at the hands of pundits beholden to view count. They wouldn’t care, they would silently be relieved, you know it. The end goal is for queer people to not exist as queer. You force queer people to be straight. Therein, the logic goes—Oh well, they’re gone now, praise Jesus. That’s what they want.
february.
like I want to just say. Fuck people who go out of their way to misunderstand you. Fuck. You. Guys. Cowards. They're like omg why do ppl call us bigots that's so crayzzee. !!!! Like if you're advocating for someone's life to get worse cuz you think they're gross because of cultural programming you've never questioned.. What are you doing with your time. Or even if you're turning a blind eye/ear. I'm talking about being trans here. And a lot of evangelicals absolutely do want trans people to be literally punished for expressing themselves, and for society to be as inhospitable to them as possible. As it has been historically, if not worse. What is wrong with you. Yeah yeah you love Jesus. Hypocrites. Like not to have a victimhood complex. Cuz I'm always flipping shit right. So, christians low key typically have a victimhood complex, even though we're in America and that's one of the defaults. I'm sure people are mean to Christians cool cool, I can't imagine why. But large scale oppression and marginalization, no, get real. In other areas of the world yes it does happen. But like, in this culture war bullshit.. Like trans people's rights and medicine are being stripped away, what if hrt/crossdressing is criminalized and it'll be mens prisons which means r*pe and death.. like trans ppl have been historically marginalized and oppressed in America, this isn't new. And also around the world, obvioulsy. And society's turning more right wing and actively being radicalized to hate trans people, and actual trans people are reporting increased rates of violence in daily life. So ok that's, measurable and a thing. And like, people I know and used to be close to are like .. doing that victimhood complex shit. Like it would be one thing if people who have these thoughts.... fuck !!! this is all so backwards nightmare timeline. Maybe I'm overexagerrating but it is actually terrifying like I don't think I'm fully making it all up... It would be one thing if they were like, yeah I understand how humans turn out to be queer in sexuality and gender. Like this is a historically and multicultural observable thing. So gay marraige is probably a good idea in terms of equal rights. Or maybe people with gender dysphoria (which I as an example person who rarely exists admit is a real thing) should transition instead of being closeted their whole life or go to conversion therapy (which I acknowledge fucks people up). Etc etc. That would be one thing. But nooo they proudly staunchly purposefully hold a worldview that uses flimsy Bible verses (that don't even fully work in historical and removed context) to condemn any queerness, and they do typically fully believe gay marraige is wrong and should be abolished, do believe trans people should be punished for transitioning, deconverted, eliminated, etc. How far does it go. Do you understand what you're actually advocating for. Thing's weren't perfect but they were better than this. Just because you're uncomfortable and don't want to learn or understand someone who has a different experience from you. Literally what is wrong with you ? Can't you see you've been radicalized with ANOTHER 'think of the children" scheme? Pawn behavior, you've likely been had, to people around you's detriment and dispair. And if you ernestly label things as 'woke' or 'gender ideology', do you not understand that you're just practicing thought terminating cliches in service to ignore complex societal issues???? That do exist with literal people on the other side of them??? How is this what we should be focusing on? ADVOCATE POINTEDLY ON ISSUES YOU WANT TO SOLVE. DO NOT BURN THE WHOLE THING DOWN. THAT IS A SELFISH THING TO DO AND IN THIS FRAGILE SYSTEM WE'VE FOUND OURSELVES IN COULD BE DISASTEROUS. I wish things were simpler too, I understand why burning things down and gutting and firing and destroying would feel like it's the answer, to a member of the general public. But they're not actually doing it for you, and they're also clearly unintelligent and playing with big explosives. How does anyone have faith in move fast break things given how critical you're able to fairly and accurately be about the characters involved. The critical information is not just untrue smear campaigns. I fucking want to die about this: But it's like, good for you, so. You got what you wanted, so. We trust them. They're totally not evil or spiteful OR EVIDENTIALLY HAVE THE BIGGEST FUCKING EGOS YOU'VE EVER WITNESSED. What could go wrong? No we love them, they're finally doing everything we wantedddd yesssss so good! ..Real people are and will continue to be harmed, like Americans, though I understand christians think trans people are embarrassing and disgusting and should just, not be trans. Willful ignorance out of spite. That's sooo what Jesus would do. Backwards. They'd probably support it if more trans people were locked up, and willfuly ignore what happens to trans women in mens prisons. Heartless unloving behavior. Oh omgg why are people calling me bigoted online???? Most likely they wouldn't care if n*zi stuff happened to us bro. They would enjoy it and be like, well they had it coming. Hashtag not all christians but giiiiirl sometimes you find out ppl you thought wouldn't have that view totally do. How did we get here? Radicalization and propaganda by presenters and pundits fueled by clicks/views from fearmongering. Capitalism, money making, profitability. And people being rotten inside and unwilling to learn. Like !!!!! I absolutely do not want to harm any christian or whatever even if they're mean, why would I want to do that ?? I don't want to hurt people! But they absolutely would like to hurt me, typically for real christians not directly, but they'd absolutely advocate to make it harder to live being out and would likely advocate for criminalization. All because of misunderstandings. All because pundits wanted more youtube views. Now people who I used to talk to I don't anymore. And sure cool that's my fault. Hard not to feel everythings not your fault. But also like bicchhhh I didn't do anything wrong! The Bible doesn't even say I did anything wrong! This is a nightmare! Also I kinda had a feeling this was coming so I've lived in a low state of self imposed nightmare for a long time, not relying on the system etc. I'm just constantly so upset that people think this way though, it's so twisted. Like people I know and shittt. Like truly life isn't harder due to you being trans. The people who can't handle other people having gender dysphoria and transitioning and being queer, they're absolutely the problem. And they pretend like they have a book to back it up and that they know all the answers and that life isn't complicated. Even though the reality around them clearly states otherwise all the time. Understanding that isn't even antithetical to the bible like what is actually happening. I feel like you can hold that understanding and also be like, well maybe libraries should have a section where more mature YA books are, or whatever the issue de jour is, like pointedly advocate for a solution. Not like, let's eliminate the department of ed because it's advocating for wokeness. Let's burn it down! In that way, it very much tells me you're not serious about the actual critique and concern. It's like my stupid theory that christians should believe elon is the antichrist because it's so obvious, and Obama was so labeled as that and like was he really that antichrist coded, like enough that a lot of people were thinking that, really? They don't actually care about the thing. It's something they don't like or don't understand, so they have to use their worldview reasoning and qualifications to condemn it. I'd have to assume I do this to, like it has a connection to biased behavior, but idk it always seems really flagrant and obvious coming from the right, especially now. And I understand the notion that sometimes revolution seems to require violence. As a nonviolent I don't love that but I understand it. I also think that proposing pointed solutions can be helpful... Like, compromises where everyone's happy, because everyone lives here. That seems optimal and sensical? At least to also have that with your revolutionary violence. But I never hear about sex ed and contraceptive advocacy when it comes to abortion access. They don't want to admit that people have sex. They don't want to admit that people are trans. They don't want to admit that everyone isn't a christian or should be one. This isn't your perfect world, this isn't my perfect world. We all have to live here. This is reality. Get a fucking grip please. I don't think I'm being THAT mean and I'm pretty sure what I'm saying at least half makes sense. I'm going crazy fr. ftw is what it comes down to. ftw. I just can't believe how rotten people are. It's really dissapointing. It easily doesn't have to be like this.

who knows when this was

As if it’s not obvious, I don’t recommend doing ur own electrolysis. I think if ur obsessed with saving money, very patient, a diy head.. maybe. Because I’m all of those things, and I’m saying, wow it’s horrible. Electrolysis always seems pretty bad tho. But unlike laser u really kill tf out of those follicles. The real separation is whether u have sparse patchy hair, or fairly consistent thick hair. Patchy sparse would be no problem. I think I’m more mentally f’d on this because I’ve cleared my entire face once on the wrong time (20 sec vs 40) + not using salt water (u need a conductive liquid!) and, that shit didn’t not hurt.. Yes the 9V thru optimal wire gauge that I’m doing now hurts more but, u know I threw away a handful of days of my life. So recently I’ve been doing areas that are absurdly dense and it’s really demoralizing. To do it at all u need to grow it out a bit, so already u just feel gross. So then ur working on these dense spots.. u can throw a whole entire day at it and, technically you did an ok sized 4mm strip or sm, but then u look at all the shit u gotta still do, it’s like u did nothing. Full day of pain for no reward, no light at the end of the tunnel, this is your life now. And mind u when there’s a project like this that’s really commitment driven, any time I’m home with free time having any fun, I’m like I should be doing electrolysis, like I feel bad I’m not because I’m stagnating. I need to get to the other side of single session face passes. But logically I know that will take like 3 more days of time, maybe idk? I just go for it. So yea u have to walk around a little swollen and wounded looking for the next two days after u hit dense patches for a long time. And u probably want to keep some facial hair 1 so u can work on it again depending on how bad u hate urself 2 cuz ironically it looks more normal to look fucked up and also have the hair vs not. Sooo u just gotta be ugly, uglier than u were with normal facial hair. I mean kinda not if u get key parts done, u can see ur real face half way. But walking around n seeing ppl, uhhgg. Plus it’s probably best to remove hair in a visually logical way so it doesn’t look very odd and unsymmetrical. But they u have some tech beard shit, and that makes u feel even worse. Like I’d never choose to make noticeable perfect lines. But it’s so much easier than faking a fade, like I’m in pain I’m doing an easy line what do u want. And then if somebody does notice u have to explain, first about permanent hair removal.. and like idk if ur talking to ppl that aren’t ur very close friends.. like ur probably appearing as a dude with a fucked up looking sloppy face. And then it’s like oh yeah I’m just extreme hair removaling for fun ??? And not even to breech the subject of “I’m doing it myself”, or explaining how actually fucked up the process is. I’ve had to explain that because I’ll mess up a spot and hit it too hard then get scabs and if someone asks it’s like omg who did that to you???? Me binchhh no one else to blame by my self :) so then it’s like ….. are u ok? Like no I’m sure any psych person would probably say I have gender dysphoria and I’VE NEEDED THIS SHIT OFF !! Either that or I suffer with a twice a day 10,000 small spike grey colored sandpaper reminder that I have to constantly fix, for however many years I have left to live. Or I just grow a PUBE MASS that covers my literal face and gets food and liquid and my own hair and who knows what in it, never be seen as how I’m feeling, be seen as a scary. Though! It would cover thee madams apple ha, nice one gawd, I see what u did there. So it’s very, I know where I’m headed, it just sucks getting there. Electrolysis takes years to actually complete. I’m actively scarring my face, which with time gets better but. I need this fixed so bad, it’s so bad, why is it there. Every transphobe in my head is yelling at me rn but fact of the matter is, um isn’t it ok that it’s not for me? Shouldn’t I have the freedom to choose, if there’s a solution? Unfortunately there’s a diy antiquely charming version of the easier solution that really appeals to me. It’s not about passing, this won’t do that. It’s about not having that fuckin stuff there haunting me itching me making me look all weird all the time. If you spend a lot of time thinking abt something every single day and that’s about a thing you can fix, u should probably do that? It’s just. So dense. So many hairs. What the fuck. It’s just so shit because I feel like I can’t rly be my full self until that’s done. And trache shave but that’s a whole other thing, one and done hopefully. Like I can’t be me when my face is all screwed up, I dress worse, hygiene is worse, no motivation to look pretty, it actually is depressing and that’s how it functions. But even in spaces around other trans ppl, I rarely show up that way. A lot of ppl think I’m a guy pretty sure. And like yea transitions always slow for everyone. But like what not guy do u know going around with patches of tech beard and scabs on their face, like I’m just appearing more mentally ill and or off than I already am. Like nobody will understand this is a transfem experience. Sometimes not even other trans ppl cuz they just go get laser. Like why am I such a freak, and it’s just never ending. It’s so dense and torturous. Like I will get through it, frick the haters as it were lawl. Butttt transitioning by urself blows. Not having any friends to rly talk to often abt it blows. It’s just like, I have these visceral road block problems that are holding my life up and making me not show up in a way I’m ok with. And in the big picture like, I’m so close, I’m really close. But it’s also a lot. And ppl don’t rly want u to accomplish those goals. They wish you’d just ingnore any gender related things like normal ppl. But like what if u can’t, and what if the answer is right in front of u, it’ll just take a weeks worth of hours to make happen. U just have to sit there and hold a small probe with a current still and at the right depth for 40 seconds a ton of times. I really am getting closer it’s just really hard and awful. But that’s masculine facial hair removal, it will always suck regardless.Edit: lmao like, I did pretty heavy work on my face last night, and straight up my jaw looks absurdly square from the front. I have to like go see friends later, possibly meet new people. U know what I mean? I’ve met people with my upper lip looking so weird and crazy. And no one ever says anything cuz I’m like hard boy moding and distracting with more facial hair being there idk. Like I just look like shit and it’s hard not to fully doom out. I just wish ppl would even understand what was going on if I told them. The one other trans women I know would but that’s not who I’m around the majority of my days. Like sometimes im very tired of being quirky or whatever I’d like to just have a chill normal life and play a video game or something. And it’s like I can imagine myself how I’ll be when I’m at the other end of that and other transition goals and put together. But will that even happen? Probably, it’s just been 7 or 8 years now of slowly making things happen. This process just really makes me feel like shit over and over and over. Too bad it’s working. Bro my head looks square, it would be one thing if that’s how it was but it’s not. Sure no one cares but I feel even more fucked up than I truly am. I’d like to stop being fucked up! Cuz there’s easily a version of me where I have it together, it’s not that far away. It’s just why are the so many pubes on my literal face !!!!!! All I can take it as is a punishment. It doesn’t look good, it doesn’t feel good, there’s no way out besides sit there. Besides seeing friends with cartoon square jaw. Every older transitioning trans woman goes thru this to some degree. I’m just doing it silent torture style, diy and never talking about it while trying to look like a guy for some reason. I mean I don’t want to look like a very scuffed girl, in this economy? Actually dangerous lol. But again that’s not even the point. Just the level of discomfort I’m in and will continue to be in, no one but myself to blame, I’m my only way out. Besides trache can’t diy that lawwwlll. I’m the problem and solution, it’s just a time issue. If I could sit down for two weeks off and just look weird at home for 3 days I’d be chilling. But that’s not how life works so, haha whatever!

Ok still trying to understand. Trump says there are only two genders male and female *applause*. What he means is the government will recognize two sexes, (but his base won’t cheer for two sexes they’re mad at gender). Everyone agrees there are two sexes plus intersex. The EO says sex shouldn’t be a synonym for gender. What they mean is the reverse, gender shouldn’t be the same as your sex. Which no one societally actually thinks that, (they’re targeting IDs) trans people understand their “biology” and the body they were born in duh. Also with transition could come an intersex state of being so they're wrong you cant change it. unless we say having qualities of both sexes isnt a state, u have to pick one even if both is more accurate. Anyway, what they mean is that, in terms of the law and ID, your gender doesn’t exist, you will be identified by M or F, and you can’t modify that. It doesn’t seem like the intent is to conflate sex and gender, even though trump does so in his speech. After all gender shouldn’t be the same as sex right, or opposite in their words rather. So by omission, gender does exist as its own societal concept. We know this by human experience but sometimes these ppl deny reality so eh. Gender exists, but what shouldn’t exist is gender ideology. That is when you perform gender in a way they don’t like. Summerizing the words of the EO, because it’s fluid. In this context they’re likely talking about inside a legal scenario, but we all know them and their supporters wish trans people weren’t trans. ..Too bad transitioning helps people solve a real problem let’s ignore that. They should suffer and/or be punished right. Anyway. So, I need to do more research on the impact of this. But right away I need to note. 1, you will have people cruising around passing as one thing having the opposite sex marker than you’d assume on their ID. This can lead to problems, you imaginary reader can think of how. Some scenarios are more dangerous than others. 2, this will immediately give people of all power levels access to the information of someone’s trans. This can be used to do evil, especially seeing as the people who are in power have historically and presently openly rail against trans people and transness in general. They weaponize timeless conservative appeal tactics in: think of the children, and we must protect our women. The incredibly marginalized sub-community that is at the other end of this is trans women and transfems. No matter how much work you do to fit in and be normal by their standards, they will be able to find you just by sight and your license mismatching. Not having a way to tell made them nervous, this is likely because homophobia and misogyny (esp women as sexual objects) is so deeply rooted within men. One could say the patriarchy, but as soon as I do that any conservative has been brainwashed to tune out and dismiss everything I’ve said as woke. So, what they will do with this power is uncertain. The possibilities (that have happened in the past) could be horrible if it got to that point. Elon doing the thing the other day makes me nervous in this light. I think he’s just larping but they’re all truly loose cannons that will shift their mindset to appease whoever’s paying most. Track record says, whoever’s paying most doesn’t have the interest of the people as a whole, much less powerless marginalized groups, in mind.

You know. It seems real fucken clear. Dude like if ur down with modern christian conservatism in how it’s shown up in trumps American 2.0 .. u gotta at least wonder if ppl are right. Right about like, does it not seem like this party/campaign prefers throwing up outrage bait and radicalizing ppl who don’t know better to react to it? As in, they need an enemy? And it’s not fully their opposition, the professional democrats trying for power, who do actually need to be pushed to do something and be better. No, that doesn’t get mom and pops excited and mad anymore. Instead they go after the people. It’s like they’re populists as in drain the swamp blah blah. But also not because they ROUTINELY boldly proudly, on stage, go after people with virtually zero power who are already struggling. And they’ve done so well at this you can watch any event now with trump saying this stuff and people applaud and go crazy. There’s only two genders! Oh thank god YES I must scream and clap thank god bro this is so good you’ve delivered us from evil this is amazing. ..Might there be another side to this coin. Might you be the blathering harm inflicting fool in this scenario. Is this Christ-like, is this rational, does this actually make sense. You know. Trans people—on their own, saying sex and gender are real, and also can be separated for some people for whom such a separation may benefit in pursuit of self actualization, that alone doesn’t make sense as a tool to radicalize ppl, it won’t work it’s too boring. So, can’t u realize that there’s this measurable amplified push to message to people who don’t know any trans people irl and who don’t know any better, that trans people are grooming your children to be trans? That they’re men in dresses, going into women’s bathrooms and assaulting people? That they’re waltzing around changing rooms with their d*ck out proudly? That they’re entering women’s sports so they can dominate? Can’t you see that when there is video of a trans person doing something stupid, you will see it if you’re in a right leaning echo chamber because they’re desperate for confirmation bias? It couldn’t be that some people within any group are actually very dumb or criminals or whatever. I want to say it’s not entirely these peoples fault for believing all this is true BUT ALSO it kind of is, you have to have bias and hate in your heart not to at least go, well that’s not entirely how it is on the whole. YOU DISSAPOINT ME as a fellow human bro. That you’d believe there’s massive crime waves from migrants. Cuz migrants here illegally on there own isn’t grabby, mom and pop don’t care too much. But you know what they do care about, hoards of murderous sickos drained from other non white countries prisons taking over cities in their gangs. You fucking dumbasses dude. Utter dissapointment. Ohhhh why are people weird to me when I express these views. It. Shows. U. Lack. Critical. Thinking. I sincerely hope this whole country doesn’t go down the tubes completely but god DAM if it isn’t just inching further right every day. Weirdos bro. Just be normal and level headed. Ohhhmygod it makes me not want to be here anymore bro like. This fear based mentality. When u have so much power in society and ur like, they’re coming for me. Not some billionaire who wants to build an AI power plant on ur house, we love him. But like, antifa or some shit. Sure if you found some antifascist communists and picked a fight with them they would fight u back, I mean some I know ehhhh. But bro like nobody is coming for you. You live in fear because you understand ur fucked up and soothe this problem in weird paranoid ways. Just, yes this imaginary viewpoint sounds hyperbolic but I also know ppl like this with these fears. Literally take me back to 2003, let’s fix our shit and not end up here holy hell man. This isn’t even liberal tears it’s like, lives destroyed families destroyed everything fucked by these egotistical billionaire power hoarders. So much is wrong here.

Brrrrro this shit is seriously frying my gears. Tommy ass tuberville being like, trans kids should live in fear of their parents.. bro, cartoon ass muthaf*cka. Tuberville. Potato head ass. Saying it’s child abuse n shit. Do trans kids exist? Can they ever exist? Is there any even rare case where a trans kid has existed? If the answer is yes, which it REALLY FEELS LIKE IT IS, we have a problem. To this, a weaker conservative/centrist would likely say .. well sure maybe there’s a few, but not all these kids (likely operating on inflated numbers and anecdotes). To which u have to use some critical thinking and question how these traits are being expressed in what accurate number of people and identify where this potential harm they use to justify so much is. Kids are pretty genderless. Sure some are masculine or feminine, but they’re kids. Let them be kids. We force them into boxes and say, no u can’t play w these toys or w these other kids. Just let them do whatever in terms of gendered shit who cares. If they don’t like their name maybe let them have another name or nickname name idfk. If their pronouns make them uncomfortable maybe allow them to be more comfortable bro idfffkk figure it out. Stop jamming kids into boxes, it fucked me up and did harm, maybe it’s not the best idea I’m just saying. And in terms of when medicine gets involved for very binary trans stuff, like typically these kids have to be going to therapy and shit like.. pre 18 u can’t just easily do shit typically. Gawwwdd anyway, trump asking the bishop lady to apologize. What a fuuuhcking loser bro he is so snowflake coded like it’s unbelievable. Like how embarrassing. Are there not immigrants and trans ppl who are scared? Cuuuuz there definitely are? It’s what we’re all thinking about rn. He’s so like, I’m gonna fuck everyone’s life that we don’t like on day 1, dictator on day 1 bs. Ppl are worried. Someone had the courage to point it out to his face, which is so sick, and he’s just like.. American ppl deserve an apology, hmph. Bro everyone not indoctrinated to this ur cool is like ooh this all could get crazy. Or the targeted ppl are like fuuuuc what do we do. DUDE. I am so mad. I’m so mad I have to listen to four more god dam fuuhcking years of trump did this trump did that. I really hope things stop being so terrifying and he actually does things that makes the democrats get their actual lazy asses in gear for once, but I seriously doubt it. It’s hard not to doom out. He’s probably just going to keep doing outrageous shit. He lives for this, it’s his favorite. Memelord Elon throwing the hand up. Brrrrooooooo literally so bad how can u not pay attention to this trainwreck when the literal ppl at the top with all the power are evil cringe goofballs who just say random shit all the time and can get away with any crime and say anything and still be worshipped. It’s just how it is. And them being there emboldens random ppl as well. Just how it is. Love it. Love how there’s a bunch of ppl I used to talk to that I don’t now that, if I had to take an educated guess, feel very comfortable and don’t see a problem with most or any of this. I hope I’m wrong fr. Just the amount of people who believe the countless lies that Trump says every day.. I mean obviously we’ve always been fucked but gaaaahd now more than ever. Can it get worse? It probably will idk. For my sanity I have to assume. I’m tired of being surprised that ppl I used to talk to a lot think some insane misinformation is true. It’s just normal now. Was bad now it’s extra bad. Fuck me fuck life idk. Like I’m just going to keep working my simple job and trying to do hobbies and attempting to pay attention and not be depressed all the time and still transition fuck u all very much. But, idk man it’s offensive I have to spend so much brain processing power on these fucking dorks bro. These ppl who probably don’t even believe half the shit they say. Like they don’t have to be that way idfk. And now we all have to pay attention because they make the rules and can just make ppls lives worse for fun. Same w cops, since I was a kid I understood they just sometimes ruin your week cuz the end of the month’s coming up. These ppl are technically there to make things function but for some reason, these roles attract singular people without best intent for the groups of ppl they have power over, and they have and will continue to make selfish decisions. It’s almost like the role is the problem, almost like this consistently happens with humans and power roles. I’m just in awe of the grand scale tomfoolery happening. Literally anything could happen, wacky unexpected stuff, these ppl are nuts and make it known when they post. Very cool future we have.

Okee dokee f*ckers I’m reading the “DEFENDING WOMEN FROM GENDER IDEOLOGY EXTREMISM AND RESTORING BIOLOGICAL TRUTH TO THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT” on white house dot government. Haha! Ok, what fun. I’m realizing that the term they use “gender ideology” and how they’re using it is functioning to say gender in society doesn’t exist. Any concept of gender you had about being a man or woman should be inextricably tied to what you know about sex. Obviously, a trans guy passing and being a man shatters the fuck out of this, you absolute liars, virtue signaling knuckle draggers bro. So cool, u guys are totally protecting us. We were all so worried about this! No. Mainly what is the target here is trans and non-binary transfeminine people who don’t pass. It’s all our fault, all of this. Or transfeminine ppl who played a sport and were good, regardless if they were on hormones forever.. U feel me, they’re just picturing transfems who don’t pass to their liking using women’s spaces. Ppl who look nonbinary. Actually, anyone who’s nonbinary is kinda the target here. Take a transmasc nonbinary person who’s been on t, they might super catch a whole situation going to the women’s bathroom. Going in to the men’s room might not be much better, especially for a transfeminine not passing person because homophobia is still huge. U feel me, the answer is to not use the bathroom. Look up how good that is for your health dumbasses. The answer is to not transition, or detransition, because now ppl are radicalized to obsess over strangers genitals. Just go to the bathroom !!!! As a transfem person who does not pass biccchhhh do u know how hard I avoid women’s spaces??? I’m not trying to trigger some snowflake and be featured on oan or some extremist telegram channel lmao. Like what is the ratio of ppl who are actual weirdos plus being trans who have been weird in those spaces? I’m sure there’s a few just like there’s a few not trans freaks who abuse ppl and space and should be prosecuted. But just ppl going to the bathrooom. I also don’t know what trans person pre op is walking around no towel in a changing room like, tf r u guys talking about that sounds like a TERRIBLE idea. This shit is so virtue signally, again.. right so cool like, u can’t change ur license m/f, so yea that’s gonna out a trans person immediately. Mayhaps that can lead to danger for them, how we thought about that? Like girl who is doing these things for nefarious purposes, trans ppl are just living their life? Oh my gawwwweduh !!!! And the insinuation that people reject sex as terms !!!! Lying lyyying lying weasels fr. Trans ppl understand how they were born genius. Technically a lot of trans ppl have very intersex traits post transition. Hormones + modifying secondary sex characteristics. And bro like what are the rates of regret vs ppl who are happy w transitioning. Compare them to other medical processes. Ya like WE KNOW m/f sex, it’s fine. It’s just, people (like these buffoons) use that as an ultimate immutable categorizer for one’s life, so naturally, growing up in this society, trans ppl are like ok I’m the other one, in a gender sense. Ppl don’t rly deny biology or chromosomes or shit like who caaares. And those ppl are a woman or man in society and for some no one knows and they just are that. Sooooo…. Denying biology, eye roll. Don’t even get me fuuhhhcking started about how as a man you pretty much can’t be as feminine as most trans women are and even be considered as a man by outward society. Like if ur a hyper femme guy (which men have historically been secretly attracted to while also vehemently trying to bully them out of existence publicly) ppl are going to not immediately think, man. This isn’t how sex works. Gender does exist and it can be separate from sex. Idc if doornail scrump thinks it’s bad. Just the fact that a trans person can and do pass and live lives as the opposite gender, and have for a long time mind you, means that this executive order is lying to the public. This has lies in it, and there will be direct harm to trans ppl because of this and the path it’s setting up. Like so obvious. Idk man, obv f the g*v, idk I just think targeting a marginalized group I happen to be a part of isn’t a good idea, and I hope not but it seems like it could get worse. There’s a weird hatred here right? And they use made up caveman transwoman and think of the children as an excuse to make it ok.. I never even wanted to change any of my legal shit as soon as I explored changing it in real life, not even legal name, I don’t want to care. Fuck this system, I don’t want to partake like, u guys are lying and don’t care about the actual public and ppl who are in danger. And they’re so weird and cringe and want to be adored so badly wttffffff. They truly just care about themselves and power, all of our two sides unfortunately. Bro…. ““Gender ideology” replaces the biological category of sex with an ever-shifting concept of self-assessed gender identity” Gender. Ideology. Does not. Replace. Sex !!!!!! Trans ppl acknowledge sex!!!! It is not replaced. Nobody thinks this! Gender being a separate thing is useful, forget trans ppl for a second. Only cis ppl, some ppl will be performing gender and existing in their gender more than others right. There will be masculine butch women. Not everyone fits into perfect boxes?? Instead of pretending that trait/performance/spectrum doesn’t exist and isn’t important (clearly it’s important to cis ppl as well as non cis ppl), might we use the word gender for this? And might this be different from sex? Something we as trans ppl also understand and deal with in a very, special, torturous way? Like some ppl are trans! What do u want. The answer clearly is they’d prefer ppl were not trans and didn’t have resources to transition and be out safely, because it’s a problem for them and their system. And at the end of the day they can score points are a small fairly powerless groups expense. Very cool. No one conservative will even care to realize the extent of how this and actions like it will affect ppl either, they’ll think anyone complaining is wrong and making it up, or a groomer or something idfk. They may even enjoy it in the classic, cry harder, lib tears fashion. I really hope some day christians realize how fucked all this is and how a political party has convinced them to ideologically be on board with and possibly vocally support demonizing and disenfranchising innocent kind people who deserve to have a chance at life being free in their self transformation. The Bible doesn’t say what u think it does in the way you think it does. Have some compassion for ppl who are struggling.

Re: Idaho Republicans file resolution to repeal marriage equality This notion, at least representing the desire even if they can’t actually have an effect on law, it shows their ass. These are antagonistic people. Theyre extreme sure. I’m curious how much of their antagonism they recognize. Because I grew up fucking entrenched in this mindset. Gay marriage is an abomination blah blah. I was indoctrinated into this as a kid. Which like, dumbasses, legal marriage is an entirely expanded and different concept here America 2024 than it was 2000 years ago in the Middle East. U absolutely buffoons. Gay people getting married affects you how? Because I know for damn sure gay marriage being legal helps people live better and equal lives, and if it’s overturned that will equivocally make people’s lives worse. Targeted antagonism against their out group. They never ever want to admit that gay people exist and fall in love and that it’s a normal thing humans do and that animals in general aren’t always straight among some species, like this isn’t your perfect fairy tail world, and that’s just how it is it’s not because of sin or something. Get over yourself and what u think is correct because your pastor told u. Think about it for more than five seconds. You may likely want to make people’s lives worse, and u happen to actively not want to think about those ppl existing and being happy because you think they’re evil or possessed. You know full well that if u befriend a handful of these people they’ll be nearly just like you, have the same fears, desires, whatever. People just happen to be gay some times literally what do u want. Weeelll they want to force their moral worldview on everyone. I can guess why. I just wish ppl thought more, like in terms of living in places where ppl believe different things and how to all get along. Let’s maybe leave oppression in the past? Like don’t be antagonistic as your character trait. Maybe ponder why a gay person might want to get married in the legal and social aspects. Maybe ponder all the weird shit that was included in marriage 2000 years ago in the Middle East that we no longer do. Maybe it’s different. What if you’re wrong. What if your crusade doesn’t matter and actually hurts more ppl than it helps, and makes your religion u represent look like shit. The thing is, maybe it was because I was a child/teen, but I never thought about any of this. I was just like yea bible said man and woman so. Like let’s not think too hard! And the culture is just sinful for wanting it they just want to be gay more. That’s a really enlightened full picture take u have there. Bro I just can’t believe ppl think this way. They just think doing gay things is bad and gross, that’s it. And they want ppl who aren’t straight like them to change or suffer. They think they’ll get extra punished in the afterlife. Like I cannot help u. That’s an exceedingly normal take, and also in a different light SO far gone and delusional. Not everyone’s straight, this can be easily observed. In gay peoples lives, this character trait doesn’t make them automatically horrible morally, or even not religious. It doesn’t mean they were abused, it doesn’t mean they’re perverts. Can’t u see there are propaganda and stereotypes historically in play that stem from homophobic anti-gay people in power? It seems like ppl don’t want to see this, it’s more comfortable to bully, quietly sneer, try to culturally/legally put ppl back in the closet. Ah yes what a Christlike notion that represents Christianity well. B-b-but people shouldn’t be gay! Maybe check out the full context/purposes for the clobber passages and see how confident u are God thinks they are of paramount importance for America 2024. It’s all so dumb and ppl are so brainwashed it’s awesome. It just seems like they’re actually going to try to pull this shit more. They might even do it like, anything’s possible they have all the power. Thank u democrats for being so bad everyone thought this was a good option. I mean yeah, government bad. It’s so sick that there are so many loud ass ppl in the government rn that are as radical (or more) as the handful of radical borderline nuts people I know irl. Like what a clown show fr. I absolutely never want to think about these ppl again. Just do ur job focused and well, be boring, don’t try to be heroes for ur pet causes or lap dogs for lobbyists, morally that shit is obviously not best for the whole people fuuuuuuuuck

almost new years lol
Sometimes I find myself super in the weeds with biblical analysis shit and I’m like WHY WHY DO I CARE. Like I have to care about what these Old Testament prophets said, I have to care about Paul, I have to care about all this shit that should not in any way matter or affect my life in 2024. And I’ve had to care about it all my whole life. So there’s the foundation there that I was repeatedly told it was all absolutely true by countless people I trusted every day for 16 whatever years. And I’m sure a christian reading this would be like, aw u caring is god nagging at ur heart!! Like ok awesome, sure why not. But may I add some things. Beyond the complete cultural indoctrination bit..which would make a person care because, if u learned the truth u were told isn’t true, and it was really complicated to prove and explain why, u might want to untangle it.. Besides that. Literally, the biggest reason I always forget.. which is sat in reflection of the fact that I’ve always super hated learning about all this shit but was forced to memorize it all for years. The fact that my whole ass family wholeheartedly believes it’s all true literal reality !!! And I could tell them things about myself, that because of their faith in this religion, would make them scared for me, think less of me, not want to be around me like they used to, possibly think I’m afflicted or posssesed by evil forces, possibly spend their energy praying for me to be like they thought I used to be. Like, as an utter chronic people pleaser, this is SUCH A BAD SITUATION. It’s enough to make u want to not be urself and just appear to fit in and never talk about ur true self or live ur actual life and be content. Like it’s enough to have ten masks on. So instead I just left oops. If any of u r reading this and I’m wrong sorry. But bro like, sometimes I do talk to ppl or see what they post and dig in and it’s like.. OH welp, there it is they actually do think this or that about being queer, oh well. And I brush it off but obviously it hurts. It’s like learning someone has a gnarly opinion that doesn’t make sense, that u can prove is wrong. With Christianity it takes a lot of steps to do that because of the scale of these topics and the text and historical context. But still. That’s part of why I care about it and collect so much analytical biblical knowledge. However- even if I could show these people who I do love why their religious worldview is more likely man made than divinely inspired, and that its rules do not divinely apply to today at all.. They just wouldn’t believe me. Like in my head I can’t help but be like.. but what if I had the perfect lineup of lectures. Like just watch these things, all important rebuttals are addressed, there are no large gaping holes, we can clearly see how this religion started and proliferated, we can make educated Occam’s razor guesses about who Jesus was and how he actually died/what happened there.. like even if I could present my most compelling mega argument, they just wouldn’t. Like maybe one person would b like I see what ur saying. This is the lifestyle of these people like it is saturated through. And their pastors have likely repeatedly told them to be queerphobic or love the sinner hate the sin. And they’ve likely never questioned it, or listened to multiple sides analyze these verses and give context. Or just give context to the whole religion and realize it’s probably all made by ppl and u can be gay and it doesn’t matter. Idk that to me is like rip my hair out frustrating. The more I learn about Christianity the clearer that is. And it’s like, are we not smart? We are smart. So.. but I get why ppl stick to their things. But damn! The reason I care so much is because some ppl a long as time ago were homophobic a few times, and because some ppl ooo we need our things we can’t have the open question of what is reality ooooo like this shit became the most popular thing and now I have to live my life randomly falling into research holes being like .. there must be a logical way to solve this problem. Bitch there isn’t !!!! U just have to suffer knowing ppl won’t find u appealing if u be urself for once or come out, and they might even find u scary! Or think ur a p*do. Or demon possessed. And all for the silliest reasons possible. I guarantee u I’ve read the clobber passages so much more than most ppl of this religion have. The only reason ppl need is like, my pastor said so and I don’t get it and I’m scared by so many ppl coming out so. Like SO AWESOME I LOVE LIVING HERE. To me, once you swing the lens around and back up, it doesn’t make sense to be in that thought framework at all. U could view that as me being biased, maybe I’ve zoomed in. Viewing it from my own life of being in it and now not, it’s just cultural bigotry. And ppl don’t question it. And it was getting better but now that’s questionable.

Edit: ok kinda figured out why it bothers me. Like the fact that ppl in my past religious life actively made the choice to convert their lives pretty deeply to this old book/religion, (also the most popular religion today in our area so) and their kids now adults mostly seem to also be super on board and still agree with all this stuff. Annnd pretty sure no one’s really modernizing their beliefs. Like there are progressive churches and whatever. But that’s not rly our style. So like, is my frustration or dissagreeance with their lifestyle of christianity actually bigotry towards them. Am I being unfair. I would never be hostile or anything it’s not like that, I’m just very wary of being seen by them. So like, hiding is my offense in a way, not being a normal family member. And it is because they’re Christian and because I’ve heard some things ppl have said in terms of opinions. And I know the more ppl know abt me the more my like, model in ppls minds will represent more negative things. And as someone who can’t handle ppl not liking them, why would I want to do that. Just picture me as a kid that u feel neutral about and maybe like. Christian ppl online frequently talk about push back they get or like, why does the world not like us etc. I mean, this. Like being emboldened to espouse ur desire not to give ppl equal rights, for example. It doesn’t fit with peoples lives in society. And Christians might then argue, yes it is a sinful godless society and we should get away from that. And the politics now are shifting that way. But logically and in broader reality this hurts so many more people than necessary. Look at multiple sides and consider views different from ur own may be correct. Like somehow everything is getting worse and I’m sitting here like, am I oppressing the christians in my life by not wanting to upset them? It IS that easily-upset-ness and cultural isolation, unwillingness to learn other perspectives, in group out group, good vs evil, heroes story life is a movie, a spiritual war is happening everywhere, we have the playbook for life and it says you’re bad. Like, you uh don’t have to be that way. But I also understand u don’t choose what to believe, u just kinda fall into it. But, u do have the ability to question and to actually pull the whole thing apart. I personally don’t understand how if ur actually doing that ur still thinking it’s all super real but.

dunnowheniwrotethid
I think I’m constantly slightly depressed, like 40% out of what it could be.. and it’s been so long I don’t notice. Better than being fully depressed. But I guess in a moment of clarity I notice because when things are “normal” I’m not quite right or put together or have energy to care abt things I actually do.. and when things are sucking I’m just like, the same, so then I’m like I should be more sad but I’m just at a constant. And it makes sense why, and I can kind of see a way out of it and I do try but. There’s just no version of even my outside surroundings where things are more put together. I can be more put together and organized, very much, cuz I’m not and it overwhelms me more and compounds to where I’m not functioning like a normal adult at all. But just how the world works and shit and bad news u get bombarded w daily. I mean low key all my hobbies are pretty frustrating by nature too. Like I guess finishing a creative thing makes me happy. Idk being happy isn’t a realistic goal I think everyone thinks that’s like THE thing when it actually isn’t, just more like an occasional thing. The problems that don’t make life good are all human inflicted. It could be so much worse but could easily be better.

Fri 22 Nov
1. I slept with a squishmallow behind my head last night and somehow that made my slight chronic neck discomfort better ???? I’m not understanding.
2. Ok I think I know why I’m uncomfortable w being praised. Cuz like I’m very perfectionist. And there’s a lot of things I do daily in job or life that are imperfect but it is what it is, I wouldn’t be able to live doing everything perfectly it would be impossible. If I’m praised for something I’ve work really hard at, maybe that’s ok. But usually I still see flaws in it and I’m like yeah it’s ok but not that good let’s b real. And then obviously getting praised for something I know I could have done better is like HAHA DONT LOOK TOO CLOSE PLEASE!!!! And then mostly the stuff I am actually proud of ppl don’t really get like, the reasons I’m proud of it are because it feels new to me but from a different perspective it’s probably not shiny like how I’m seeing it. So idk typically I think the rare instances I’d be ok w getting that attention aren’t a thing, then at times where I do get that I’m like oh gawd no I don’t deserve all that. Idk it’s weird lol and I have learned how to take a compliment without downplaying or mentioning flaws immediately. I’m sure other ppl have this too.

Same day as the last post I am losing it
I mean to b fair, I can’t rly imagine a scenario in which anything I do creatively is actually successful.. like sure in the sense that it could benefit more than a few ppl (tho let’s b real I feel like no one rly sees my stuff anymore anyway) but also like to sort of survive off of.. idk I just can’t imagine how it would be, but to the point where I’m just likely not good enough to be that type of creative person. Sucks that it’s the only thing I’m really good at, and I’ve realized through so much trying that I can’t do it with my time because I’m not good enough. Like when do u give up right, cuz ppl say to not do that. But there comes a point where, yea u just do it as a hobby, which is how it always was, should have been, etc. I feel like I had many instances trying to be more outgoing with creativity because I was trying to literally survive off it, like that’s not my style at all to be forward I can’t stand it. But idk I don’t have a problem w it just being a hobby, it’s more like I’m so overwhelmed and not well as a person that I don’t have enough time/energy to work up to being creative anymore. And that just means like it’s not worth creating, whatever I have to say. Like sometimes I’ll see artists w studios and shows and ppl seem interested in their things. And I think I covet that even if I pretend to myself that I don’t want that. I don’t necessarily want the attention because with that comes responsibility and scrutiny and people who get jealous of u and that feels horrible and scary. But I want to do what I do right, but I’ve realized in this reality, doing what I do isn’t sustainable, worth it, or beneficial to anyone. I think it could be, but for whatever reason it isn’t. Maybe it’s probably beneficial to a few ppl like if they play a song and feel happy now and then. But I also don’t write happy songs usually. I try not to paint faces because everyone else paints faces or eyes or figures and I don’t want to do that. Like what comes out isn’t palatable. Idk what to do about that. Not do it. But it’s the thing I’m good at. Certainly in terms of a career all I have is sweeping the floor and cleaning the toilets, like I’ve fully failed at doing the thing. Maybe what messed me up was being told as a kid that I had a skill. And then seeing other ppl being successful in a career sense and believing I could do it too. But I’m not as good and lucky as they are. And I never will be. And that’s so normal and doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. It just means I have a bad time. And it is what it is. If I can’t do better or get luckier, that’s the result and I need to be ok with that. Also the world is on fire so none of this matters fr. Fuck world leaders.

F if I know what day it is
Ok biiicchhh I look this up like every month but like. How are we not more advanced w the treating “songs stuck in ur head” shit. Like that’s putting it lightly. I’m talking about, my brain hears literally any music I somewhat know or can repeat, and it’s just looping loud af all the time. Some days are worse than others. But god DAMN if not every Reddit or quora response is like “haha oh they’re called ear worms! Listen to the song”. I’ve complained abt this before on other platforms so I don’t want to rebeat a dead horse. But like. Do u know how frustrating that is? I have advance brain thinks it’s fun or self soothing or whatever tf to just intrusively background/foreground music of all levels of annoying, words, sometimes spoonerisms lmao.. like no this is not fun. Then I look up this + adhd and everyone’s like yaaa I have that. Or oh I had a friend and meds made it actually quiet. Bla bla bla like CAN WE STOP CALLING IT JUST AN EARWORM. It’s like a rutted brain pathway that’s very annoying and unchangeable. Swear to god a huge fear I have is I’ll be actively dying and some dumbass song is playing in the background. Imagine seeing the light and like, penis music is playing. No. Nonono please no.

Hahahahh wtf so. The culture I grew up in is heavily Christian and they’re like always inadvertently looking for signs that god is working in their life. And doing electrolysis on Mondays I always watch a bunch of like Christian topic debate and/or debunk or scholarly analysis videos. So I’m thinking about these things. And on the ride to work this morning I’m like to my partner oh it’s windy out huh. And she’s like ya. And the second I say that and she responds some guy in the cross walk had his hat blown off his head. And I’m like hahahah evidence of god???!! Jokingly. But then I’m like haha erm wait that would be so mean lol if god was proving “himself” to ppl who don’t believe by flipping ppls hats off their head and far away like a bully. Lmao ok. Bro I’m so primed for this shit in a bad way that I’m like. WELL SOMETHING even more coincidental is going to happen later today and prove me very wrong about this and actually prove god to me and I shouldn’t have ran my mouth. Brain worms. Edit: omg now my brain is picturing sad god being like ugh that wasn’t me!!! I’m going to get smited fr

Nov 11 24 Sometimes I give random thought to gender related queerness n labels n shit. And like it doesn’t matter, but also does if I’m trying to explain it to ppl who wouldn’t get it off rip. I could categorize myself in multiple ways but like, typically comes back to that the base of “me” is more useful and true if it’s allowed to be feminine and interact w femininity. And ppl can call me a man and he all day like I have to not care for my sanity, I just understand that despite showing up as masculine in some instances (being tough at times, having some masculine hobbies and job, etc), the bulk of my time isn’t spent existing like that, especially not internally. And that average “me” seems to be very different than how most men act or want to be existing. N I’m like what about words like femboy, boy is kind of weird, then I’m like, well feminine man I guess but that doesn’t feel correct. Ok I’ll listen to conservatives and dig into that (they typically tell trans girls, you should just be a feminine man and call it a day). And erm, yes feminine men exist, in multiple ways. But I don’t think I fit well into those categorizationssss ..like it’s close-ish but no. It’s typically either men with a feminine twist (like high fem gay or “in touch w their femininity”) or like crossdressing. And I don’t rly care about what clothes I wear to some extent, I don’t have the energy tbh and I’m scared to get attention if I go out fuller femininely. More like, me, actually me my body and how I act/talk I need to be, at very least balanced. Idk if men feel bad about missing a girly childhood and interact w some of the cool shit they missed out on now. Or like, physically transition to be more feminine/neutral. Or pay attention to their nail shape/polish and long hair. Or voice train because they don’t like their voice and can actually imagine an attainable softer less bass-y one. Or feel weird being seen or classified as a man in general. Or heavily identify with trans women’s experiences. Or feel kinda weird around guys. Idk if men think abt their adams apple as much or in the way I do. Like bro neck spike and face pubes is the ULTIMATE betrayal like ew ew ewwww. Idk if they ever had a moment where they nair their face and shave the hair backwards and it’s like oh yeah there’s me ugh finally. N spend like a million hours on 9v battery diy electrolysis. I simply do not know if these are normal man things. It’s cool if they are, and I’m sure ppl would label all these things as flaws, and encourage me to not be myself/ work towards a more accurate form that reflects actually me. It is fun to point out the classic funny traditional conservative mindfuck that is- if ur male and let femininity happen, ur not a man, u failed, weak pathetic f slur. But if ur like, ok actually I’m not a man like it rly doesn’t seem like it to any standard besides a hidden body part and secondary sex characteristics that can be modified. They’re like you’ll always be a man! Ur bones will be male when they dig u up in 500 years, I’m not playing in to your delusion! Ur just doing this for “all the positive attention trans women get” Reeeeee *empties round into bud light 36 pack*. Like, I hate that any of that weak attitude holds any weight in my life, it’s just the culture and religion I grew up in (worse now than it was back then but). It’s near impossible to shake in the subconscious. It leaves u feeling lost and failed if u don’t fit in. Having a massive political movement in ur immediate surroundings that labels any language/idea tools u could understand these feelings with as “woke nonsense” rly seems like a disservice. Even tho I logically understand topics around sex and gender and can explain these things intricately, having ppl in my life that I trusted be on the antagonistic side, that feels rly cool n neat love it smm. So, when the topic does come up w those ppl.. yea education is cool if ppl are ready for it. But for most, especially if ur saying a bunch of silly shit, idk if u deserve my coming out to u or explaining why things are the way they are. Let’s just call me a man, ooOo so triggering. Not to diminish the weight of words and opinions, but yeah like why would I talk to u if you’ve clearly made negative work in the opposite direction to understand why someone may be gender nonconforming and if that’s allowed lol, then purposefully choose to poison ur opinions by imbibing only cringe videos of some drag queen somewhere one time etc. Likee, people on that side of things wonder why their views are seen as distasteful and lazily dismiss it as, the sinful world is against them for speaking their truth. Nice, anyway. Maybe make an effort to understand ppl, or encourage ppl to put the time in to better understand themselves instead of always pushing every feeling and emotion down. That doesn’t work! <3

day of the Stupid ass election
I just listened to the stuff u should know episode on adhd and literally wtf it’s like a concise laundry list of my life ruining problems wtff !!!! I don’t understand why this wasn’t caught when I was a kid because the problems were there. And they’re talking about like how daunting tasks are completely overwhelming so like YEAH I do absolutely not know where to start talking to a mental health professional, to the point where I don’t even want to admit it or talk about it as I’m doing now. But like shit I don’t know how to do that or who to talk to and what hoops I have to jump through first like fuck that I can’t. And then they’re talking about people pleasing and rejection weighing so heavily emotionally like um yeah my literally first reaction is to shut all this down because, what I’m doing rn is self diagnosing and I understand people think ppl who do that are cringe and not actually sick (which can easily be a misconception, but that’s the perception). So as to not get anybody upset or appear like a “typical millennial” or whatever the fuck, I want to shut all this down and ignore it and not talk about it. Even though it fucks my life and I swore something was wrong with me and I don’t get how ppl do stuff normally. I’m overriding all that to note this because it seems important I think. It was just point by point. And low key I assume everyone is like that but I guess not. Like I want to say I’m probably fine and not waste anyone’s time and suck it up but also I probably have that shit

Edit : JFC broooouhh I just randomly seen this insta ad that was like 😡😡 NOT EVERYONE IS A LITTLE ADHD! EVERYONE GETS OVERWHELMED EVERYONE FORGETS THINGS SOMETIMES. And now I’m like ,,haha fuck me! I really must just be bad at living daily through direct fault of my own. I’m just embarrassing and self diagnosing. Dude I am never talking about this to anyone that’s so sick. But it also doesn’t matter because I’m making it up probably. It’s just.. everything they were saying on that podcast is a personality trait I have and have consistently struggled to make ways for myself to actually be ok in this world where you have to make money and be presentable etc.. but like does everybody do that? I literally can’t know and don’t know. The shame of being wrong is already crushing. So yah whatever I guess, I’m good. That’s what ppl seem to want, for u to stfu and never ask for help. So we ball idc.

Thursday Sep 266
high key rly dissapointed how big conspiracy culture has gotten. Shit will have people being confident abt things that aren't proven at all. And they'll base their whole worldview really far off of stacks of these conclusions. I don't get what happens mentally when things turn out to be wrong.. Or I guess it's always like "well we'll never know, I'm probably right (even if it doesn't make sense) but sure it's proven wrong now. But I'll be right in the future" mmmmm ok doesn't it make more sense to just be like, maybe this could be true but also the thing it probably is likely true, but maybe who knows...... Isn't that a million times more logical and you end up correct and not stacking likely falsehoods to get to abnormal conclusions that make u live in a different reality ???? It reflects on critical thinking is all I'm saying. I don't want to pretend like I'm some rly smart person by saying that cuz I'm sure I'm not but geeez it's so transparent sometimes, like even I can be like, oh eghhh no. And I'm skeptical. I've been thinking like sometimes u can be so skeptical but also so gullible to other random crap, especially if u want it to be true. Idk ftw we live in it doesn't have to be like this at all.

Tuesday

The other day I had a dream that my voice came out sounding gender neutral to myself. And that was pretty nice !

~Thursday ~ Hello Thought there was a gas leak but I guess it was a skunk. ??? I was just thinking about skating and getting frustrated and I wanted to write abt it to figure it out.. Like I pretty often get mad while skating. Not rly when trying normal tricks but I try weird tricks a lot when I film. Omg I keep feeling like there’s fleas on me. There probably is lol. But like getting mad feels stupid. Like dysphoric rly cuz it’s so man coded. And u kinda forget how to act right when u have raaage.. but I do sometimes when I’m trying something for a long ass time and I start to get worse at it. That does make sense. I also low key get mad trying to do non skate things if there’s an element of danger and I keep almost being able to do it but not. Like when u keep exposing urself to risk and failing even tho u know u can do the thing but u just can’t for some reason. But all that doesn’t mean I’m not having fun? Like to the outside view getting mad is something ppl never want u to do. It’s just part of the process I think. And landing the trick or finishing whatever battle it is, is like ok nice that was good we did it. Got the clip or whatever. It’s fun and novel putting urself in challenging situations where u know you’ll do the thing but it will take work and luck maybe. But it’s hard not to have rage when it feels like things are actively working against u in the battle idk. Sometimes u just have to yell fuck or whatever. Idk like when skate friends of mine get mad I just kinda laugh but obv encourage them to get the thing. But it’s kind of funny. I guess general public would be like ..wtf! But hockey temper is funny. It can be embarrassing secondhand too. Like if ur breaking boards n shit idk. But typically yeah it’s just like, outwardly looking pissed and maybe being like fuuuuuckhhh.. sometimes it feels cringe. But literally idk it’s part of the process sometimes. I try not to do it if ppl are around. But I have friends who are known for it and it’s like, they’re not actually mad. I think even skaters think that, like oh this person is actually gnarly cuz they get mad easily, as in they’re actually a scary person. And maybe, idk. But usually it’s just that’s how they get tricks and they choose shit that’s technically frustrating for them always but the reward mentally and also maybe clip if the film is worth it to them and their personal satisfaction/standards. I don’t even think usually it’s a, oh fake ppl do this, type thing. Cuz why choose a hard trick if u don’t have to. Maybe unless u decide professional skating is ur only chance of survival. But normally I think it’s just ppls process. I’m sure there’s someone who I’d be like, woah yea they’re too much. But sometimes ppl think that about ppl who just get outwardly pissed or yell to convince themselves to do something or when they get served up by a trick. Or what they see as super failing and other ppl don’t. Idk it’s interesting. I’m sure it makes no sense to outsiders why skaters get mad all the time. I try not to do it but it definitely happens. I feel like I always get the thing tho and it’s always fine. I can’t tell how bad it actually is, but it all feels like a process thing.